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Friday, April 27, 2007


The Captain's Guide to Graduate School

Ahhh, Graduate school. Almost a requirement in today's hyper driven world. Looking at that near useless liberal arts degree in your hand the day after graduation can be an eye-opener. Temp jobs, retail jobs, all of these are still your fucking domain. Some will call you "college boy" with a derisive sneer on their face. Others will make fun of your lack of "real-world" skills. You will end up working at the Kohl's shoe department for about a day, lamenting the fact that, by Tyr, you are starting to sound like Al Bundy. The Temp job that was supposed to turn permanent will end, leaving you, once more, looking for work. Either over or under qualified, never "just there".
Guess what? You have qualified for one thing, though, GRADUATE SCHOOL! FUCK YEAH!
Graduate school; where education takes a turn for the obscure. If you are smart you will research schools thoroughly, ensuring that your choices to apply to are perfect fits for your interests. Or you can do it like a half ass. To do it my way take into account the following:

1. Does the school have a decent mascot? Animals are OK, Falcons and Cats are OK, they ARE predators, after all. However, schools like Duke have images of Satan himself, and Wake Forest has a FUCKING FLAMING SKULL. A skull on fire for Odin's sake. Droppy dogs suck, so do rockets. Rockets are supposed to be awesome, right? Not if they aren't tipped with Nukes.

2. Where is the school located? Downtown of a run-down, rust belt city? Do you really want to brave bums, criminals, and gangers for you paltry education? Nope. Choose something suburban. Boring? You bet. Safe? Sure, the biggest threat are asshole campus cops with a Jock/bully complex.

3. Colors: By Loki, you'll be wearing this stuff for the rest of your life, choose soomething that coordinates. Bright Gay Orange and White? What the fuck was I thinking? I wear Shit Brown and Dark Orange instead. Better? Yes. Blue and Yellow are good choices, but being color blind, I will admit, I was kind of fucked from sqaure one on this requirement.

Once you have made the all important decision to apply to certain schools now you must get your "Application materials" together. There vary according to school, of course. Standard issue ones include:

The GRE: What is the GRE? $130 Goddman dollars, that's what. As another writer states so eloquently, you have to put yourself in the shoes of a gay, 19th century English noble in order to get a handle on the "Vocab" test. If you use these words in public people will think you are some sort of Live Action Role Player, you may as well shout "Lightening Bolt!" as you throw nerf balls at them. You can go and buy a PS2 for this much money; the choice may be difficult. The PS2 will give you more enjoyment and will last longer.

Letters of Reference: That professor that you vaugely knew? Guess what, you get to con him in to writing a letter for you. Ensure that he is calling you by the correct name.

Transcipts: Schools will want undergraduate transcripts. If you go to UTK, prepare to hemorage all of your weekly paycheck to them so they can slap it into an evenlope and lose it for two weeks before sending it out.

Writing Sample: Better to just whip something up, quick, that does not suck. Stick to your field, not "Star Trek" or anime porn with hints of hentai.

Some schools will require other things as well:

The Lost Ark of the Covenant: Indy lost it, can you find it? Before Belloq gets it? Good luck. This is a requirement for higher end schools only.

A GPA over a 4.0: The school is "competetive" meaning that they want from you a GPA in the 5.0 range. Good luck. May just want to go search for the Ark.

An in-person interview: Wear something nice, like the Megadeth shirt with smaller holes. Remember, cosplaying during interviews is bad.

$$$$$$$$$: Application fee; in other words a waste of money in order to take an envelope and lose it until after the deadline.

Next up: Getting accepted, funding, and Politics on a truely low level.