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Tuesday, April 03, 2007


The Dirt Mall

They call it a "flea market" but being from Ohio, I know better. Flea Markets have old junk, the Dirt Mall has new junk. Lots and lots of new junk. Being in the tourist mecca of East Tennessee doesn't hurt either.

I went to the Dirt Mall on Saturday and had a blast. From used work clothes to the Chinese lady selling really cheap copies of every product under the sun. From Gyllutye Brand razors to hats emblazoned with Jeezus slogans for $1.00, I saw everything awesome. If the Dirt Mall was its own country and worshipped a slew of psuedo-pagan gods those would be NASCAR, Jeezus, and out-of date hygiene products. The former are perhaps the most puzzling phenomena, who would buy expired body wash and, most frightenly, old over the counter medicine? I mean, this is stuff Big Lots turned down.

If I had to arm myself against a Zombie invasion the Dirt Mall would be a good choice. Knives and swords of every variety, for less that $30. No guns, but Airsoft guns! Maybe the Dirt Mall would be a bad place to gather arms against a Zombie outbreak. The swords though are works of white trash art. Gaudy, with steel that will break if swung against anything. These swords are built for angry trailer kids to use against that rusted Camero in the front yard..

As for food, the Dirt Mall is filled with delicious choices. MMMmmm, candy coated almonds. Even better: Kettle corn, the corn of the gods. Real kettle corn, made by real mountain people in a real, honest to Tyr kettle. Awesome is just the first word to describe it.

Want a Mexican Football jersey? I do! I play soccer in Southern Mexico, even though I'm a chubby white dude. At least I can pass as a Scottish fan!

People watching is perhaps the most fun of all. Every shape and sort of people go to the dirt mall. I saw a mother and daughter in matching scooters, their asses hanging over the seats. Lovely. I saw families with less teeth than kids. Almost like a trip to Wal-Mart, almost.

It sounds like I have a hatred for the dirt mall. That is untrue. I love it. It gives me a measure of entertainment in in otherwise drab world. Thank you, Dirt Mall.