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Thursday, March 08, 2007


Astronauts

After the whole Astronaut in a diaper occurance and the recent fallout today from it (fired!) I was thinking about the modern NASA Astronaut selection program. Like most things with a large, bloated bureaucracy NASA is exceedingly political. Playing the game gets you into space, not your skill. I propose a revision of this broken method of space recruitment.

First, Buzz Aldrin will be in charge, because he's awesome. Buzz will set the mood by being the first to travel to the frozen forests of Norway where he will strip to his skivvies and hunt a bear with his bare hands, hold the still-beating heart of the beast triumphantly over his head while screaming a manly roar of victory. In order to even be considered every Astronaut must do the same thing.

For an Astronaut to get promoted he will have to wrestle Buzz for the half-eaten bear heart, Only when they win do they get to command a Shuttle Mission. Until then, Buzz is in charge. Other old-time Space Explorers will be re-recuited in order to provide a base of awesomeness for the Astronaut corps. Jim Lovell, Alan Bean, Zombie Deke Slayton, Gordo Cooper, Wally Shirra, Neil Armstrong, Mike Collins, and the other men who pioneered space. Even when selected for a mission a potential cherry will have to run the gauntlet of old-timers who will beat them with large sticks. If they make it past the gauntlet, they get on the mission.

Finally the pussy ass Shuttle will be replaced with museum piece Apollo capsules and Russian tech. Cheaper? You bet! Less safe? Unfortunately. But if the old guys could do it, then the new blood should be able to as well. Maybe the Shuttle will be kept as a reward, make it past the Russian tech and a old Gemini capsule and you get your ride in a Shuttle.